ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
