We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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