Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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