youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
