So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
