I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
