I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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