i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
