i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?