i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
