I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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