I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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