Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
