Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
