It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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