The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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