had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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