piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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