Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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