I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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