dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
