3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
