Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
