I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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