Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
