thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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