i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
