11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
