You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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