bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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