so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
