I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Even my vagina gasped.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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