if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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