the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
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