Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
