The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
