Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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