He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
