I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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