my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
