so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
