Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
