You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He shit in the fireplace
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
