Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
