while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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