You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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