You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
