It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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