I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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