Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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