someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
