btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
