Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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