from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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