so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
