In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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