the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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