I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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