I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
