I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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