If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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