hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
