I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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